Things you don’t regret.

This one might actually be hard for me. Not because it’s hard to come up with 5 things that I don’t regret, but because one of them inevitably every time I talk about it I turn into a blubbering mess. So I think we’ll save that one for number 5 eh?

  1. As odd as it is for me to say this because of what happened. I don’t regret dating Danny. It’s actually hard to say that, because if I look at it part of me does regret it, but then I’m reminded why I shouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I wish none of it had happened, like what happened. But I don’t regret what I went through with him, because everything that I went through with him, lead me to Dennis.
  2. All the last-minute trips to places. All the driving across the country because of an emergency. Every funeral. The most recent one being the Thanksgiving before last. I had gotten a text from my aunt that said that my grandmother was in the mental hospital. Dennis and I had intended to go to the East coast for Thanksgiving, but we hadn’t actually decided to go to West Virginia. Mostly because at that point the only person that I cared about that was there, was my grandmother. And I had seen her multiple times at that point. But there was something that trip. Dennis asked me “If something happens to her, will you regret not adding a trip there this time?” and I knew that I would. I didn’t think anything would happen. The medication that she had been on for over 55 years was no longer being made. Therefore she had to be on new meds. It wasn’t very surprising that being off those meds meant she was having more manic episodes. However, things took a turn for the worse and she passed away in March 2020. Now, I don’t regret all my last-minute trips. I don’t regret seeing the people I love… because I’m getting to an age where I’m going to have fewer and fewer people.
  3. Picking up everything and moving to California. When Dennis and I met, he got me out of a bad situation and a lot of people would say that because of that I just attached myself to him and that eventually, it would fade. When I moved across the country to be with him 3 months into our relationship a lot of people were skeptical of it. But without a doubt, I don’t regret it at all. In fact the 31st we celebrated our 7th year together and our 3rd year married. I don’t think I could ever regret him. He is every good thing about every person I’ve ever been with and so so much more.
  4. Letting go of people who let me go. Admittedly when they decided to take me out of their lives, I wanted nothing more than to fix it. That seems to be my norm. Fix everything. If something’s broken there must be a fix. But sometimes there isn’t a fix like I think there is. Sometimes going your separate ways, is the fix. No matter how much it hurts. Most notably is my friendship with Erica. There are still days that I miss her, and miss talking to her. But who I was, who she was, didn’t fit together. Mostly it was my fault though. I had a lot of growing to do. A lot of growing that just wasn’t possible where I was then. And I did try to fix it. I tried holding on as tight as I could, but holding sand tightly only makes it go out of your hand faster. I don’t regret my friendship with her because we went our separate ways.
  5. Alright, the hard one. This one would be number one, but again, I turn into a blubbering mess. So I guess I should prepare my tissues, huh? I don’t regret standing at my grandfather’s bedside, holding his hand and telling him I loved him. It is still without a doubt the hardest memory that I have. All the abuse I’ve suffered, all the sexual assault, none of them can touch that memory. He was my world, and when I was 6 I decided that I would be the last person to tell him I love him. So despite how much it hurts, despite how it tears me apart every single time I think about it, I can never, ever, ever regret telling him how much I loved him. I can not regret holding his hand for his last-minute on this earth.

Well that was fun =3 I’m gonna go clean myself up now and try and regain my composure =3

Leave a Reply

I accept the Privacy Policy